It’s been far to long since I’ve posted on my blog. I’m sure I could come up with some legitimate excuses as to why it’s been a few months, but the long and short of it is: I’m tired.
I never would have guessed that seeing the stories of our students and skaters and hearing of their hardships would drain me so much. It’s exhausting. It’s never exhausting when we are working with them or driving them places or talking to them about Christ or leading a Bible study, but at the end of the night when we turn the lights off and lock the doors I am truly tired.
I’m tired because I feel anger at one of my skater’s mom who is addicted to heroine, because I feel pain from stories of girls in our other programs who are sexually abused and don’t even realize it. I feel sadness for one of our skaters who’s marriage fell apart at the beginning of the year and now is living alone without his wife and daughter, and I feel confusion when I look at the decisions some of our kids make, and not one of these problems have an easy solutions. Some of them don’t even seem to have solutions at all.
I’m not completely blindsided though, I knew this would be hard. I knew that seeing these faces and hearing these stories day in and day out would challenge me. So I expected to feel pain, anger, etc. No one ever told me how tiring it is though.
It’s tiring because it’s never ending. It’s never a clean break from sin or struggles. An eleven year old doesn’t just leave his negligent parents, you have to tell him to trust that God will bring him through this season and he doesn’t understand that because he is 11 so he seeks attention from bad influences and all you can do is try to be his friend and share truth so that he comes around to the park more instead of fighting or getting into trouble around the neighborhood.
It’s tiring because it’s not always our students who struggle. Hearing about my volunteer’s heartbreak and struggles are just as exhausting. I cannot understand why these things happen and I cannot fix them. I just know that I’m supposed to be here, walking along side my friends in this ministry as they navigate life. It is never easy seeing bad things happen to good people, but seeing it happen relentlessly is draining.
This blog is not an excuse for why I haven’t written more blogs. But I couldn’t sit down to write one without feeling the exhaustion that comes with telling the stories of those I work with. So it was easier to ignore this page, it was easier to not talk about it because it’s really hard to talk about at this point.
I felt God call me to where I am, I obeyed and went, I told them the good news, and now I am waiting. Waiting for the hearts of these students, skaters, and friends to receive those words. I’m finding out that God is patient, and waiting on His timing is hard, and I’m exhausted.
However…
I am not discouraged.
In fact, I am filled with encouragement. I understand that what we do isn’t going to immediately change someone’s life. It is a commitment to love those in a community from the inside out. To give them opportunities to grow and learn about the character of Christ. Students call my wife “mom.” They call me first when they have a problem with their family. We drive students to court hearings and doctors visits, and we are very often the only positive interaction that they will have in a week. Will all the garbage that I’ve seen since starting here in December I’ve been blown away by what simply loving someone consistently does to a community.
Am I tired? Yes. Am I encouraged beyond belief for the future of my skaters, my community, and my family? Yes. I’m just thankful God is letting me be a part of it at this point. So I’m drinking another cup of coffee, I’m going to pray, and then I’m going to work at the park today. I’m going to trust that God will give me the energy.
Thank you for your support and prayers. Helaina and I need them.
– Jeremy